I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
did i walk over a car last night?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
