I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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