Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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