my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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