having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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