My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I wear drunk well.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
