Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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