So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
