I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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