Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
