I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
