Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
