Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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