Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
