Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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