Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
