He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
