Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
bring money and cleavage
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
