im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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