So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
