Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
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The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize