sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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