you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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