i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
