her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
