I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
