Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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