Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
my liver is dry heaving
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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