Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
