Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
