biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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