her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
