i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And then he peed in my hair
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