So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
