my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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