you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
