Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
