IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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