Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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