I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
