what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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