I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
