Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
