i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
