I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
