He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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