someone owes me an orgasm
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
