I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
