I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The beer is more important than you right now.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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