In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
