im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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