If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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