She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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