I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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