she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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