if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
