if i can run in heels then i can drive
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
