Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
