Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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