If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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