Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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