If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
