I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
