Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
