i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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