Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
